Dear William:

Christmas of 2008 will soon be upon us. I have checked my list twice to see who has been naughty and who has been nice. I saw your name on my nice list so Rudolph and I will be sure to stop by on Christmas Eve.

I have been scanning the headlines and watching CNN on my large screen TV to follow what’s been going on in the world.

With the bad economy and increase in crime, I am starting to wonder if anyone still cares about doing the right thing and staying on my good list? The only thing I can do is continue to visit those who wish to keep the Christmas spirit alive throughout the year with acts of kindness and love.

For the stinkers of the world, I will be delivering a lump of coal to their stockings as I do every year. I long for the day when I never have to see another lump of coal.

Typically, Santa’s list is confidential and is never shared with anyone outside of the North Pole. I have decided to forego tradition and share a few of the names with you. If you disagree with any of them, please call my hotline at 888-Get-Santa.

Here are some names from this year’s good list:

The Obama family: They were strong during the election and kept their faith. Obama will do his best to restore America to greatness. Although his mother won’t be around to see his inauguration, she will be watching from above with the angels. I may even take a seat next to her.

Oprah Winfrey: What can I say? Like everyone else, Santa just loves him some Oprah.

Dallas Cowboys: Although I am not a fan of America’s team, Rudolph loves Tony Romo, Terrell Owens, and their weekly drama. Rudy thinks the Cowboys are good for TV ratings…I disagree; besides, I am an Eagles fan. Bill, don’t tell anyone but the Cowboys don’t have a chance of getting to the Superbowl.

The American Soldiers: I love the troops. They have been valiantly serving their country since the days of my old pal George Washington. He has told me personally that he is proud of our troops. I only hope President Obama can bring them home safely.

And now for the list of stinkers who will be getting a lump of coal from me and my reindeer posse.

OJ Simpson: What can I say about this guy? Does anyone even remember the commercials with him running through the airport and jumping over suitcases? Unfortunately, his legacy has been reduced to a career criminal instead of a great football player.

The Banking Industry: I will give extra coal to the banks that give out terrible loans and then expect a bailout. So what happens if I don’t make enough toys for Christmas? Can I ask the government for a bailout? I would probably have to lay off my elves. It’s a good thing Frosty moonlights as a CPA during the summer. He keeps my books in line.

Ho! Ho! Ho! I am on a roll!

Well, that’s all I have for today. I would miss Christmas if I named additional stinkers. May your family have a Merry Christmas and a wonderful New Year!

Love, Santa Clause and his reindeer posse

I wonder how the ritual of giving gifts originated. It would have been a gradual thing. Perhaps it started when a caveman first gave the apple of his eye a choice piece of dinosaur haunch to win her favor. If he was successful, it would have caught on and spread like crazy. Then those who never got the really choice pieces of lizard would have tried it with whatever they did have. Pretty rocks or feathers maybe. It wouldn’t be long before competition broke out for the favors of the less ugly cavewomen and then obesity would be born from all those extra haunches.

Cavewomen would readily pick up on holding out for better offers. They would keep the prettier nod-edible gifts to flaunt before the other cavewomen, and collecting was born. As things progressed lizard meat would fall out of favor since once they got fat they were no longer the “apple” of anyones eye. Then the keepables like the pretty rocks and feathers would gain popularity and produce the first triumph of the nerds.

Cavenerds would start accumulating the prettier rocks and feathers and use them to barter for things that previously they had no hope of getting. They would trade them to the cavejocks for the choicest cuts of dinosaur and whatever services they may need such as protection from saber-toothed tigers, and boulder moving. The beginnings of commerce.

About the time we started counting time forwards instead of backwards, gift giving reached its most extreme when King Herod, having the hots for his stepdaughter, gave her the head of John the Baptist at a dinner party. Not much was eaten at that party after that. Head giving never again reached that extreme.

Masculinity went into a decline and by the 16th or 17th century the men were no longer giving up their pretty feathers, but started wearing them themselves. They really looked neat with their frilly blouses. The women of this period had to learn the art of gift giving to win the favors of the few men who were still willing to associate with women. With the advent of Joan of Arc women realized they didn’t really need men anyway except for their sperm. The men of that period recognizing the danger She presented to their increasingly effeminate selves, burned poor ‘ol Joan at the stake.

As we come to the 20th century, we find men giving each other gifts such as horse heads, roses, and a kiss on the cheek. None of which bode well for the recipient. Women wore their dresses right up to their nether regions trying to tempt men into propagating the species. They quite literally were giving everything they had. Pretty feathers had long since lost favor and from the 1940s to this day have been replaced with electronics such as mp3 players and cell phones. Today men and women no longer have contact with each other. They go on a date and sit next to each other and “text”. It all makes one wonder; Where are all these people coming from?