Funny humor stories

The evening was complete, as usual, as I had been with Thomas. We shared our usual bottle of wine, but also decided to walk the downtown area of Main St. hand-in-hand. We enjoyed a light supper and our evening was complete after we stopped at a coffee shop for a late. A Thursday night rendezvous left us no choice but to drive separate since we both had our children that night and were meeting in the middle. Thus, when I drove home, I was alone.

Main St. was a feeding ground for the local police and everyone who lived there knew it. Of course I had indulged in libations, but I felt more than ample to drive. When I saw the bright lights behind me I was confident that I had done no wrong and was well composed for answering any queries the officer may have. Of course he requested my drivers license and insurance so I gingerly provided it to him. I was in a conservative mood when I dressed for the evening so the modest ensemble I sported had to have ensured me at least a few bonus points verses the choice of a skin revealing outfit that every warm summer night beckoned for.

When the officer came back to my window he asked me if I had any unpaid tickets. I proceeded to tell him that I received one over six months ago for expired tabs. Well, the exact story was that I decided to fight it due to the fact that I was peeved at the ex for providing no support and was going to fight it due to lack of money, thus, I received a court date. Of course, I could not get off of work and the date came and went. I renewed the tabs, but forgot to pay the ticket. Little did I know that once a court date is passed and you don’t appear, a warrant is issued for your arrest. Opening one’s mail in a timely manner would have prevented the events of the evening from unfolding as they did.

So, the officer asked me to step out of the car while another patrol car was arriving at the scene. He explained to me that there was, in fact, a warrant out for me in a different city and I was driving with a suspended license. He had to take me to the station. The other officer asked me if I could get cash. Were they looking for a bribe? They asked if I had a debit card and how quickly someone could come to get my car. This was all happening much too fast! Thank goodness my two children were not with me!

It was not too late, a little before midnight. I decided to call my parents since there were two of them and one could drive my car while the other theirs. Of course, during this time Thomas was trying to call and text me but they had my purse at this point so I was unable to respond. I thought of calling him for help, but barely knew him. It was only our second or third date. Nice way to get to know someone - from the back of a police car! He still razzes me to this day!

I got through to my mother, who was, of course, sleeping; when her youngest daughter of 39 told her to bring cash for a bond she seemed quite calm. Little did my parents know that I was not sticking around to greet them. The theory was that the officers were saving me money of a tow truck if someone got my car for me. I was off to the local station to get “booked”.

Out came the handcuffs! Not the most comfortable thing. The cold metal was tight on my small wrist and pinched if I moved even an inch. I opted for silence unless spoken to but I did seem to utter a few words. They went something like this: “you know, my ex-husband embezzled half a million dollars and he was never handcuffed”. No comment from the front of the car. That’s an entirely different story; let’s just keep focus shall we?

We pulled into a secure, white, almost sterile garage that opened by code and I had to wait for the officer to open my door, of course. Had to watch my head, too! I just followed him in to the quiet place and sat down while he started typing away on a computer. It was just the two of us. He seemed more nervous than I was. I was silently praying that he would not make me take a breathalyzer test for fear of the result. Again, I felt fine, had spaced out my drinks and added sustenance to the equation, but nonetheless I didn’t need any more drama for the evening let alone the ramifications of a DUI.

Then it was fingerprint time. He said normally people are sweating, but my hands were dry and cool. Like I said, he was more nervous than I. It took several attempts at each finger, both hands, to get what he needed. Of course, I did the 3-way photo for them, too! And all this time, my mother had been trying to text me. In fact, I saved one from her that I find humor in now that reads: “I’ve got bond money pick u up @ station? xo”. I say, if you can’t laugh through life why live it?

Back into the car we went to meet the officer from the city where my original ticket was issued. We were headed to the end all be all of police officer hangouts….the donut shop! I was awestruck! I had to tell my mother to meet us at the donut shop with exactly $388 CASH! We arrived and there was mother. They allowed me to get into her car, which confused me, as they told me I would have to go to yet another station. We waited for a third car as they had a receipt book for the cash. It appeared that the “arrangement” was not uncommon in their world. A routine rendezvous perhaps? Nutty or powdered? Plain or crème filled? And how do you take your coffee?

My mother pulled out her old coin purse and paid the officer the exact amount. I received a slip with a court date along with the receipt. And that was it! In mom’s car was a glass of water with lemon and a straw. There were no ill words. Just normal conversation and stories of my dad in his youth thinking he could stand in court for his brother’s offense. I am truly blessed with easy going parents! Parents who are my friends. We will reminisce about this one day I’m sure! Perhaps sitting around the fire poolside puffing on cigars as we often do.

Finally in bed before 2 am I caught Thomas up-to-speed on the night’s events since we departed earlier. He wondered why I did not call as he laughed. Who knows what he thought about me now? Of course he suggested I should have called him, but I think he was being a gentleman. My fear of embarrassment quickly passed as he shared his own stories of mingling with the law. Seems many just need a reason to open up and unfortunately it is often a unique event.

This tale took place on a Thursday evening. The dawning of the next day I jumped in my car and was off to work when I realized I had no license. I called the station and proceeded to tell them that the officer kept my license. They proceeded to tell me politely that it was destroyed since it was expired and I’m sure they were snickering after I hung up the phone. The entire night was a blur and lack of information was an ongoing theme. Perhaps afraid to ask questions for fear of making things worse did not help and maybe they were trying to rush through their duty with an honest mistake so they could return to their evening of bar-hopping, liquor drenched deviants that were abundant on Main St.!

My mother was so paranoid for me that she picked me up from work so I would not get caught without a license. She also chauffeured me on Saturday as well. And, of course, I needed a ride to the courthouse on Monday to get all of this cleared up.

After waiting in ten lines and hundreds of dollars later, I was cleared of all charges and zero points were on my record. The final judge had mercy on my fine when I informed her that I paid off the police in a donut shop parking lot. She did not seem phased although the reduction in my fine showed irony in her response. Either way, I was happy to be relieved of the incident and I was off to get a new license! Perhaps a donut is in order!