Way back in 1954, television hadn’t really kicked in as primary entertainment for eight-year-old boys like me and my best friend Jerry. We mostly had to entertain ourselves with various “pretend” games using whatever objects we could find. This wasn’t too hard because Jerry was a farm kid, so there were always lots of things lying around.
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Famous for his Pachelbel Rant, which garnered well over five million views on YouTube, Paravonian will be traveling throughout the East Coast and Midwest over the next few months. Musical since his childhood, when he learned to play the cello in grade school, he didn’t start bringing his guitar on stage till he was already established as a stand-up comedian. The boredom of waiting for his sets at comedy clubs led him to bring his guitar with him to entertain the other comics waiting in the wings. Since then it has become his major comic tool.
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Dear William:
Christmas of 2008 will soon be upon us. I have checked my list twice to see who has been naughty and who has been nice. I saw your name on my nice list so Rudolph and I will be sure to stop by on Christmas Eve.
I have been scanning the headlines and watching CNN on my large screen TV to follow what’s been going on in the world.
With the bad economy and increase in crime, I am starting to wonder if anyone still cares about doing the right thing and staying on my good list? The only thing I can do is continue to visit those who wish to keep the Christmas spirit alive throughout the year with acts of kindness and love.
For the stinkers of the world, I will be delivering a lump of coal to their stockings as I do every year. I long for the day when I never have to see another lump of coal.
Typically, Santa’s list is confidential and is never shared with anyone outside of the North Pole. I have decided to forego tradition and share a few of the names with you. If you disagree with any of them, please call my hotline at 888-Get-Santa.
Here are some names from this year’s good list:
The Obama family: They were strong during the election and kept their faith. Obama will do his best to restore America to greatness. Although his mother won’t be around to see his inauguration, she will be watching from above with the angels. I may even take a seat next to her.
Oprah Winfrey: What can I say? Like everyone else, Santa just loves him some Oprah.
Dallas Cowboys: Although I am not a fan of America’s team, Rudolph loves Tony Romo, Terrell Owens, and their weekly drama. Rudy thinks the Cowboys are good for TV ratings…I disagree; besides, I am an Eagles fan. Bill, don’t tell anyone but the Cowboys don’t have a chance of getting to the Superbowl.
The American Soldiers: I love the troops. They have been valiantly serving their country since the days of my old pal George Washington. He has told me personally that he is proud of our troops. I only hope President Obama can bring them home safely.
And now for the list of stinkers who will be getting a lump of coal from me and my reindeer posse.
OJ Simpson: What can I say about this guy? Does anyone even remember the commercials with him running through the airport and jumping over suitcases? Unfortunately, his legacy has been reduced to a career criminal instead of a great football player.
The Banking Industry: I will give extra coal to the banks that give out terrible loans and then expect a bailout. So what happens if I don’t make enough toys for Christmas? Can I ask the government for a bailout? I would probably have to lay off my elves. It’s a good thing Frosty moonlights as a CPA during the summer. He keeps my books in line.
Ho! Ho! Ho! I am on a roll!
Well, that’s all I have for today. I would miss Christmas if I named additional stinkers. May your family have a Merry Christmas and a wonderful New Year!
Love, Santa Clause and his reindeer posse
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William Greene has a B.S. degree from I.W.U. and has made a career of working with the public. He has over 10 years experience in social services, including casework. William works with people of different nationalities and education levels. He operates a social dating website titled http://www.socialhearts.com He also posts his thoughts on dating, relationships and social issues on his blog at http://www.socialhearts.blogspot.com Article Source: http://EzineArticles.com/?expert=William_S_Greene |
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What weighs three hundred pounds and takes three hundred pounds to carry it? I’ll give you three hints.
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I heard the strangest of noises coming from my daughter’s room this evening. I blew it off to start with, not wanting to worry unnecessarily, but the noise was becoming unbearable as it continued and I became quite concerned.
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Today, I’d like to speak to the men in the crowd. I want to discuss cussing. Why we men do it, and how we can do a better job of it. A lot of people, particularly my wife, tell me that I shouldn’t cuss. That taking the creator of the universe’s name in vain is just plain bad. Well, I have to agree that shouting out the creator’s name when you hit your thumb with a hammer is probably not such a good thing. But don’t you think that cussing provides some release during a serious injury like that? I do.
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I wonder how the ritual of giving gifts originated. It would have been a gradual thing. Perhaps it started when a caveman first gave the apple of his eye a choice piece of dinosaur haunch to win her favor. If he was successful, it would have caught on and spread like crazy. Then those who never got the really choice pieces of lizard would have tried it with whatever they did have. Pretty rocks or feathers maybe. It wouldn’t be long before competition broke out for the favors of the less ugly cavewomen and then obesity would be born from all those extra haunches.
Cavewomen would readily pick up on holding out for better offers. They would keep the prettier nod-edible gifts to flaunt before the other cavewomen, and collecting was born. As things progressed lizard meat would fall out of favor since once they got fat they were no longer the “apple” of anyones eye. Then the keepables like the pretty rocks and feathers would gain popularity and produce the first triumph of the nerds.
Cavenerds would start accumulating the prettier rocks and feathers and use them to barter for things that previously they had no hope of getting. They would trade them to the cavejocks for the choicest cuts of dinosaur and whatever services they may need such as protection from saber-toothed tigers, and boulder moving. The beginnings of commerce.
About the time we started counting time forwards instead of backwards, gift giving reached its most extreme when King Herod, having the hots for his stepdaughter, gave her the head of John the Baptist at a dinner party. Not much was eaten at that party after that. Head giving never again reached that extreme.
Masculinity went into a decline and by the 16th or 17th century the men were no longer giving up their pretty feathers, but started wearing them themselves. They really looked neat with their frilly blouses. The women of this period had to learn the art of gift giving to win the favors of the few men who were still willing to associate with women. With the advent of Joan of Arc women realized they didn’t really need men anyway except for their sperm. The men of that period recognizing the danger She presented to their increasingly effeminate selves, burned poor ‘ol Joan at the stake.
As we come to the 20th century, we find men giving each other gifts such as horse heads, roses, and a kiss on the cheek. None of which bode well for the recipient. Women wore their dresses right up to their nether regions trying to tempt men into propagating the species. They quite literally were giving everything they had. Pretty feathers had long since lost favor and from the 1940s to this day have been replaced with electronics such as mp3 players and cell phones. Today men and women no longer have contact with each other. They go on a date and sit next to each other and “text”. It all makes one wonder; Where are all these people coming from?
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I am James Mizzell, owner of “http://www.peggyspretties.com” and “Ghilliesandstuff.com“. I have a few other articles that you may find of interest. The Ghillie Suit, Learn to wear your Ghillie Suit, Early Memories of Fishing, and The Source of Our Economic Crises. Article Source: http://EzineArticles.com/?expert=James_Mizzell |
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Why do people love crazy videos on the internet? It is because people have the innate desire to laugh and have fun. It is human nature. Everyone enjoys watching videos filled with fun. Watching some of the funniest videos ever are very useful after a hard days work. Stress can make people grouchy and sad, but once you go online and surf some people will find the funniest videos ever; on sites like you tube. Can you just think about it, in a matter if mere moments you are able to be laughing your hearts content. Before, and after a hard day of dealing with difficult people at the office, I surfed at my friendster account and accidentally landed in a very funny video about this prisoners in Cebu Philippines where they perform this thriller version dance.
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Cartoons are children’s favorite programs, but as parents, it is very important to monitor what kind of fun programs they are watching because not all of them are recommendable for your child. Among them is the one series that is called the Happy Tree Friends. Although it looks like an innocent and harmless cartoon, it leaves a lot to be desired. It is full of violent scenes and the main theme seems to be death.
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The very first thing that you must remember about a conspiracy is that it is nothing without a theory. Work out a believable theory - in a way that I will show you now - and you are on your way to millions. Once you have your conspiracy theory you can write several books, using the same material, but just in a different way over and over and over again and again and again. Don’t forget to give the books different, but exotic sounding, names like Jesus and the Aliens from the planet Niburu, Leonardo Da Vinci on the space ships of Ezekiel, etc.
The method is as follows:
* Pick a target for your conspiracy which will not come back and bite you in the butt. A bad choice will be real Aliens (they will probe your anus with sharp instruments). Another bad choice is Muslims (they will scream hysterically while chopping off your head in front of the cameras.) The worst choice is Hungarians (they will chop you into little pieces and will preserve you in a glass jar.)
* Describe everything out of context, BUT write in a logical fashion. (Say Jesus was married to Mary Magdalene, because an unmarried woman was not allowed to wash a man’s feet in those years. A married woman would not have been allowed to wash another man’s feet, so Jesus was married to Mary Magdalene) This will mean doing some research, but that is why the Wikipedia is there.
* It is important to make a very big thing of symbols. In reality the same symbol is often used for different purposes at different times in out history. Use this fact to prove your hare brained theories. For example Coca Cola is written with a cursive font, that originates from the Middle Ages. This means that Coca Cola is a front for the evil Free Masons, which was formed out of the Knights Templars who lived in the Middle Ages. Or you can say that the cursive font is being used by secret cocaine societies in the Andes Mountains, which means that there are cocaine in Coke. See how easy it is if you combine this with taking things out of context?
* The Reptilian Overlords, the Lizard people, the Grays, the Illuminati, Knights Templar, the Free Masons, the Jews all are major role players in the universal conspiracies. Choose anyone of these or a combination of them, make some obscure claims (they want to control the world, they are controlling the media, they control the drug trade, they eat children) and there you have your conspiracy theory. This is great fun and anyone who argues about it or debate you on this only proves what you are saying. In your next book they automatically become part of this universal conspiracy to control the drug trade, or whatever you theory is.(John across the street has been living a secret life for all these years. I can now reveal the truth. He is the Vice Overlord of the Illuminati, Brooklyn branch. The evidence to prove this is…)
* Mention as many academics that you can lay your hands on, in your book. See to it that your academics are as obscure as possible. The fact that they have been ignored by the greater academic community is because they are trying to expose the “truth” (remember this “truth” must agree with your conspiracy theory) and are thus ignored, because the greater academic community is part of this universal conspiracy.
* You can also simply make up your own academics. The people who read these theories will never go and check out these academics you mention, they are too busy wearing pointy foil hats to stop the hypnotic signals send out by the CIA, making weapons out of tea bags and paper, watching TV to see if they can see George Bush change into a Lizard, etc.
* Your friends are the Bible and the prophecies of Nostradamus. Both these works are written in such an ambiguous manner that you can use any verse to prove anything. Make extensive use of both these resources in your theories.
* Don’t forget TO write RANDOM WORDS, and now and THEN whole sentences in capital letters. THIS MAKE YOUR WORK SEEM URGENT AND IMPORTANT.
The most important thing is to have fun while writing your conspiracy theory. An itchy-bitchy bit of research, a little logic and lots of creativity and you are on your way to millions. (Don’t forget to mention me in the foreword to your book.)
BUT, please, please, don’t come crying to me if you accidentally expose a real conspiracy and the Illuminati or whoever comes after you. You are on you own (don’t forget to eat this article if they catch you.).
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